The Hayden Konig Blog
Musings from "The InChoirer"

Alien Encounters

“I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen.”
John 10:16

OK, I admit it. I’ve been watching RTV (Religious Television) again. This week, in case you missed it, on channel 14, was a man explaining why Jonah wasn’t swallowed by a great fish at all. Apparently he was kept alive inside an alien spaceship which happened, as it were, to be hiding under the water. And it’s really obvious to anyone who reads Jonah directly after reading a Ray Bradbury novel while indulging in mind-altering stimulants such as licking Colorado river toads dipped in peyote sauce that this man could be right.

You must follow this logic verrrrry carefully. First of all Jonah couldn’t have stayed alive inside a fish for three days - there wasn’t enough air. It’s a pretty good argument, but the lack-of-air argument has been used before and it just doesn’t hold much water. (Har!) But wait. Jonah says in verse 6, “I went down to the bottoms of the mountains...” Now how could Jonah possibly know that he was at the bottoms of the mountains if he was inside a fish. He couldn’t see. That is ...UNLESS THE FISH HAD WINDOWS! So it couldn’t really be a fish at all, but something that Jonah, in his limited experience with extra-terrestrial beings, took to be a fish, but was really a spaceship. Possibly Egyptian. Well, I’m convinced.

And the ICCM (International Congress of Church Musicians - for those of you that tuned in late) is convinced enough to appoint a Task Force on Alien Encounters. This group will meet annually in Cancoon, Mexico for two weeks in February (tax-deductible and possibly eligible for "continuing-ed" money) and review the evidence. (There will also be daily seminars on choosing just the right communion beer...er....wine.)

Obviously the Old Testament contains many direct references to aliens. In fact, the word alien(s) occurs no fewer than 107 times in the New International Version alone. One reason that these strange and wondrous beings may be hesitant to come forward is found in Exodus 12:48. “An alien living among you who wants to celebrate the LORD's Passover must have all the males in his household circumcised.”

Levite: Hello, strange ones. Join us in our Passover feast.

Alien: Thank you. Our ship has just landed from the planet Zurbnqp. We are rather hungry after our intergalactic journey. We bring you great knowledge and wisdom from the One God of the Universe.

Levite: There’s just one little formality.

Alien: OK. Anything to make a new friend. HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? AAAAAIIIIEEEEE!

They’ve been hiding ever since.

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New Perspectives on the Old Testament

This week, New Perspectives on the Old Testament will be examining really, really stupid people in the Bible. Unbelievably stupid. And my absolute favorite among the thronging hoards of the O.T. is a woman I like to call "Mandi". She hangs around Second Kings on Friday nights. Chapter 6: 24-23. Here are the facts.

(6:16-24) Elisha is flitting around Samaria doing miracles involving fighting the Syrians. In fact, after he had smoted 'em a few times, all the fight sort of went out of them and so he fed them and sent them home happy. The King of Syria, who wasn't with them at the time, turned them right around and sent them back with orders to lay siege to Samaria, miracles or not. As the siege continued, the King of Israel decided that he'd had about enough of Elisha and wasn't going to listen to anymore of his bright ideas. (Now, there's a surprise!) So guess what happened. There was a great famine in the land.

(6:25) This famine was sooooo bad that the head of a donkey was selling for eighty pieces of silver. (Not bad if you've got some stock in GM donkey parts.) And 1/4 of a piece of dove's dung was selling for five pieces of silver. I am NOT making this up. It's all there - including the prices! Yes. PRICES!

You can just imagine what the menus of the local restaurants looked like.

Dove Dung (small slice) - $10.00
Dove Dung (large slice) - $14.50
Lark Vomit (cup) $5.00 ... (bowl) $9.50
Donkey Parts (seasonal) - $145.00

(6:26) After dining out one evening, presumably on whatever donkey was tethered behind the restaurant, the King of Israel was walking home when he was accosted by a strange woman. This is Mandi. She cries (in the King James Version) "Help, my lord, O king!" (In the New International Version she cries "Help me, my lord, the king!" Either way she gets his attention.) The king makes some smart-alecky remark which kings are wont to do when accosted by wild-eyed women on their after-dinner walks, then asks her "What's the matter?"

Well, here's her story. She and her best friend (we'll call her "Lilith") are getting pretty hungry what with bird droppings going for about $67 a pound. So Lilith says to Mandi, "Hey, I've got an idea! Let's boil up your son (we'll call him "Brunch") and eat him today. Then we can boil up my son tomorrow and have him for leftovers!"

Mandi thinks this is a splendid idea. She goes and gets her son and they boil him up, stuff him with some dove dung and have a big luau, probably inviting the whole neighborhood. Now here's the surprising part. When it came Lilith's turn, it turns out she wasn't that hungry after all and she hid her son somewhere where Mandi couldn't find him. Boy, was Mandi hacked! You can just imagine.

The king, having no other recourse, immediately called for Elisha's head. Like it's somehow Elisha's fault that this woman hasn't got the brains God gave an eggplant. Elisha shrugs, girds up his loins, and decides to end the famine.

This and many other interesting stories can be found in...you guessed it...THE BIBLE! So pick one up and give it a read. You won't be sorry!

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A Serious Problem

It has come to the attention of the clergy that many of our choir members have a serious problem. This is something which we have long denied to ourselves and others but is an addiction which is so insidious that it is simply not talked about in polite society. And we here at the ICCM (International Congress of Church Musicians) feel it is time this problem must be discussed openly and without shame. Yes - I’m talking about Chant Addiction. The music of the Middle Ages which has certain mystical properties; properties which, if used unwisely, can lead the serious listener down the path of religious degradation.

Now, I’m not talking to the occasional listener. The responsible listener who knows when he has had enough - who never goes “one chant over the line”. It’s the other listener - the hard-core chant addict, which we here at the ICCM Detox Center are trying to reach.

You’re saying to yourself, “He can’t be talking to me. Sure, I listen. Who doesn’t? But I can just as easily listen to some music from the Romantic period - Brahms...yea...I can listen to Brahms. Or Mendelssohn. I just don’t want to...”

No you can’t. And you know you can’t. And you know that we know that you know that you can’t. And we’re here to help.

If you feel you may be one of these unlucky listeners with a low threshold of spiritual influence, there are some signs which you can not fail to ignore. If you remotely suspect you are one of the many caught up in this nightmare existence, ask yourself the following questions.

• Is there a medieval icon hanging from your rear-view mirror?
• Do you find yourself turning down the sound during the Super Bowl and instead watch the game while listening to a recording of the monks of Solemn singing Oratio Jeremiae Prophetæ?
• Do you tear open your Musical Heritage Society monthly catalogs looking for a new recording of the works of Hildegard von Bingen which you might have somehow missed?
• Do you wander around your house or apartment in your monk outfit carelessly flagellating yourself about the shoulders with a toilet plunger while muttering the incipit to Æterne Rerum Conditor?
• Do you find yourself telling your spouse or parent or significant other, “I can quit anytime I want to. And anyway, it’s not like I’m doing drugs or anything”?
• Do you drive around the monasteries, windows down, with The Play of Herod by the New York Pro-Musica in the CD Player (turned up all the way) in an effort to attract the attention of certain monk-groupies?
  
  If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, we urge you to get immediate counseling. The ICCM now offers a ten-step program for self-help, a new chapter of Chant-Anonymous, and, in some severe cases, a ten day program at our De-Tox Center which includes listening to sixteen straight hours of I Come To The Garden Alone.
  
  We’re just here to help.

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Name the Baby

It has now become common knowledge that two members of the choir are due to become parents in December. We, of course, offer our congratulations, but there is a more important issue.

Often, when I am asked about the mission and purpose of the I.C.C.M. (International Congress of Church Musicians), the inquiries are cloaked in the guise of a seemingly incongruous questions. For example, some inquiries might be very direct. “Excuse me, but what is the mission and purpose of the ICCM?” Whereas someone else might say “It’s three o’clock in the morning! Why don’t you idiots shut up and get that %#@*& goat off my lawn?” One has to understand that both questions, although asked in very different circumstances, essentially contain the same vague uneasiness with which one approaches sixteen men in raccoon hats, a goat, a sack full of bungee cords, and a five gallon container of spaghetti sauce. (See Choir Handbook, page 465, p.34, sub-section 75 - Initiation Rites.)

The ICCM has many agendas, some involving secret handshakes and some actually having to do with church music. The ICCM Handbook covers most of these and although it is a rather lengthy tome, we feel that it is now time to reprint that well-worn chapter “Give Your Baby A Really Cool Bible Name.” (Page 642, ICCM Choir Handbook © 2002.)

Bible names have always been the really “hip” way to name your baby. It is time for the ICCM, however, to step forward and proclaim that the world now has enough Joshuas, Jacobs, Jordans, Matthews, Johns, James, Marys, Rachels, and Elizabeths. It is time we looked deeper into the Bible and truly discover what riches it holds for us in the way of Baby Names. And so, in response to the outcry heard across the nation, the ICCM has put together a Top-Ten list of Bible names with which any proud parent should be glad to saddle their small child. Warning: These are Actual Biblical Names! Do not try to make these up!

Boys Names

1. Ham
2. Mash
3. Nimrod
4. Ahab
5. Festus
6. Zadok
7. Linus
8. Doeg the Edomite
9. Uzzi
10. Shemp

Girls Names

1. Eunice
2. Camel
3. Beersheba
4. Porcius
5. Dorcas
6. Zippo (short for Zipporah)
7. Hagar
8. Gomer
9. Dalmatia
10. Queen-Vashti

This is just a sampling of the many, many interesting Biblical names available for a nominal licensing fee. For a complete listing of the ICCM Biblical Names Data Bank as well as a licensing fee form, send $19.95 (check or money order) to
ICCM— P.O. Box 249
Tryon, NC 28782

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Boxers vs. Briefs
A Theological Perspective

When attempting to understand the boxers vs. briefs agenda, we must first ask ourselves — “What would the disciples have worn under their robes, boxers or briefs”?

It seems to me, that this question is, in fact, the basic conflict of Grace versus the Law, Old Testament versus New Testament, Rigid Confinement versus Rebirth, the Pharisees versus the Disciples (one fall - 10 minute time limit). However this is only my opinion. It is time that we turn to the scriptures for guidance in these matters.

When looking for a biblical agenda, we need go no further than Genesis 24. Abraham is speaking to his servant.

He said to the chief servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my loins. I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living.

He continues in verse 29.

So the servant put his hand under the loins of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter.

Now it’s fairly obvious that when you made a promise in the Old Testament, it was serious business. According to my good friend Dr. Ken Dougherty, choir urologist, putting your hand under someone’s loins and swearing is not a matter to be taken lightly. Sure, he does it all the time, but he is a highly trained professional. Suffice it to say that the level of intimacy which this oath entails would not be possible if the oathee was wearing briefs. Therefore Abraham was obviously a boxer man.

And consider the passage found in Job. Brief is the mirth of the wicked. The joy of the godless lasts but a moment. Can this scripture be taken blatantly out of context to make our point? Of course it can! As can many others!

I think Isaiah says it best.
33:23 Your rigging hangs loose: The mast is not held secure, the sail is not spread.
Isaiah is a stern man and apparently pretty derisive. He is not happy with this move toward boxers. Consider his famous passage. Surely he has worn our briefs and carried our sorrow. Definitely briefs.

Here are the final findings of the ICCM Committee on Biblical Underwear (COBU).

Adam - leaf briefs (post fall)
Abraham - boxers
Noah - boxers
Job - boxers
King Solomon - boxers (silk)
Isaiah - briefs
Elijah - boxers (hair)
John the Baptist - speedos
Pharisees - briefs
Sadducees - briefs
Judas - briefs (extra-tight)
Paul - briefs (pre-conversion)
Paul - boxers (post conversion)
Disciples - boxers

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Reformation Day

I think that it is time that we approach with reverent awe that celebration which makes us truly protestant. I’m speaking of Reformation Day - the day on which, in 1517, Martin Luther set us free from the control of the Roman Church by nailing his 95 theses to the door of the church at Wittenberg proclaiming his dissatisfaction with certain papal decrees. It is fitting and proper (and with the complete sanction of the ICCM) that we should celebrate the foremost contribution by Matin Luther to the Protestant cause. No, not throwing the yoke of Catholic oppression from off our shoulders, but something far, far more important.

As we head full-steam into the holiday season, we need only to turn to our history books to find that Martin Luther offers us a sure-fire way to lose 15 pounds before Thanksgiving. Yes, I’m talking about the DIET OF WORMS.
By now you are saying to yourselves, “Well, I’ve heard of the Diet of Worms, of course. Every scholar of comparative religion has - but does it really work?” I can assure you it does. I saw actual testimonials on Oprah. By all accounts, Martin lost about 15 lbs. from November 1 to November 8, 1521 and the ICCM has just obtained from an unnamed monk in upstate New York, the actual manuscript of this famous diet. So now, after 486 years, we present to you - straight from the Reformation -

Martin Luther's - DIET of WORMS

So there you have it. A sure fire way to lose 15 lbs. before Thanksgiving. If you care to read more about the Diet of Worms check out a book in your local library. (I’m sure they have all the nutritional information available).

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Ask Mr. Disciple Bible Study Man

Q. Now that our Bible Study has started, I’m interested to know what you make of the story in First Samuel: Chapters 4-6 about when the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites. We seem to have skipped that part.

A. It is one of the most profoundly disturbing stories in the Old Testament. As you all know, God was so mad at the Philistines that he smote the entire city of Ashdod with a severe case of hemorrhoids (henceforth known as “hermans1” to comply with the ICCM code of biblical decency).

The Ashdodites kept the ark for about seven months, by which time, as you can imagine, they would just about do anything to relieve the affliction which had been placed upon them. I mean, frogs and locust are one thing, but this was going just a little too far. Finally they went to their priests and asked what they could do. The priests decided that it would be a good idea to make five golden statues of their misfortune (along with five gold mice which had also infected the city) and send them on a cart, along with the ark, back to the Israelites.

Head Priest (to Gath the Goldsmith): We’d like you to make five golden hermans as a trespass offering to the God of Israel.
Gath: Five golden what?!
Head Priest: You heard me.
Gath: Gashemesh uhr shokoch utter hopni.2
Head Priest: (sarcastically) Haha. Very funny.

Well they put them on the cart and sent them on toward Israel. Unfortunately, along the way, the Bethshemites, who were working in the field, happened to look up at the ark going past and were also smited. 50,070 men to be exact. Oooops. Anyway, the Israelites got the ark back. It doesn’t say what was done with the five golden mice and uh ... other artifacts.

1st Levite: Hey, what are these gold things?
2nd Levite: These mice aren’t too bad, but kadesh inmit reshemti dedakestch.3
1st Levite: Hahaha. Very funny!

Perhaps they were put into the Museum of Things Not To Do to Make God Mad. The ark, of course, was promptly stolen again. This time it was missing for twenty years. Ouch.

1 Not their real name.
2 Old Ashdod joke: “Would you like to sit down while you wait?”
3 Old Levite joke: “these other things look like my grandfather’s hermans.”

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CHOIR DEFINITIONS

Now that we have several new members in the choir, I am often asked, “Hey, Mr. Director. Just what the heck are you talking about?” Admittedly, this query comes mostly from the bass section, however it must be pointed out that being in the choir is a highly technical and demanding profession. The terms that we use in music are not readily found in normal, everyday life. For example:

The lilting counter-melody sung over the hymn by the higher voices is called::
A) descant
B) death chant
C) LILTING? Hahahahahaha!

If you answered “C” you have the makings of a fine choir member for you are unusually perceptive.

Here are are several other definitions which you may find make your choir experience easier to understand.

Pizzacato - literally “Cat Pizza” Anchovies optional.
Ritard - well ... the bass section, mostly.
Mode - a key, reflecting a particular emotion. As in “I can’t sing that. I’m not in the mode.”
Parallel Organum - A method of musical gratification frowned on by early church fathers.
Obligato - a high pitched turkey call. Usually heard in the wild as “obblegobble”.
Faggott - a bassoon. Yes, a bassoon.
Camerata - a small camera.
Cantata - a small can.
Sonata - a small son.
Prelude - a small Japanese car.
Glockenspiel - a dark German beer. As in “Hey, Jim-Bob, throw me another Glockenspiel!”
Homophony - an irrational fear of bassoons.
Letcher Lines - “Hey baby, what’s your sign? Come to choir practice often?”
Libretto - a soprano born in September. Usually highly compatible with a Saggitario. (See Letcher Lines)
Minuette - roughly 52 seconds.
Rubato - a reddish-brown vegetable found on cat-pizzas.
Tonic - What is generally enjoyed over ice after choir rehearsal.
Dominant - In a choral relationship, usually the alto.
Euphonium - A choir invitation. If they won’t answer your letters, euphonium.
Augmentation - Special surgery for sopranos involving the implantation of falsettos.
Basso Obstinato - recurring wrong notes in the bass section.
Incomplete Cadence - harmonius interruptus.
Metronome - small elves which live in the London subway system.
Basso Continuo - When the director can’t get them to stop.
Score - Sopranos 3, Tenors 0.
Riff - What happens when someone takes your choir robe.
Contralto - An alto who has been convicted.
Polychoral Motet - Six parrots singing "Cantate Domino."
Aleatoric (Chance) Music - Music performed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms.
Frequently found in the choir anthem.
Castrato - The highest male voice (some alteration required.)
Étude - What comes right before the Beatitudes.
Concerto Grosso - A "Polka" Mass.
Glissando - What directly precedes the highest note of a descant.
Leitmotif - Like a regular motif, but less filling.
Polonaise - A condiment frequently put on a parrot sandwich.
Recapitulation - What usually happens after you eat a parrot sandwich.
Rondo - A popular sixties song as in "Help, help me, Rondo."
Theme - "We hate this anthem."
Theme and Variations - "We hate this anthem, the composer and all of the composer’s relatives."
Sectional Harassment Lawsuit - What happens when the director suggests that the altos
"Sing from their diaphragms."

So, as you can clearly tell, music is a very difficult and complex subject which requires years and years of careful study.
Learn these definitions. They’ll be on the test.