The Hayden Konig Blog
Musings from "The InChoirer"

Gifts for my Wife

Warning: Women - Do not read this!
It is a terrifying insight into the male psyche.

As I sit pondering, this week of my wife’s birthday, what to possibly get for her to celebrate the natal day, I believe I’ve been given a revelation. An epiphany, if you will.  And I feel it is my inspired mission to spread this good news among all mankind.

As we all know, we buy clothes (This is lovely dear - may I return it?), perfume (did you say they sold this by the gallon?), gift certificates (Thank you, but I never shop there), and toasters ('nuff said), to no avail. My wife always tells me that she wants me to write her a poem, but somehow she didn’t appreciate my one and only effort. It was sort of a limerick which doesn’t bear repeating here so let me just say that, after all these years, I’ve come to the conclusion that  the most giving, generous, loving and tender gift you can ever bestow upon your wife is - a chainsaw.

Yes, you heard me correctly. A chainsaw. Now let me explain.

A chainsaw is the most manly of all the male implements not counting guns or urological concerns. Quite frankly, in my opinion, a man without a chainsaw should be sitting in the alto section. But if you do not happen to own a chainsaw, this Christmas (or her next birthday) may be your best opportunity! By giving your lovely wife a chainsaw, you’re not just giving her the gift of oil and steel — you are giving her the gift of eternal happiness. She won’t realize it at the time, but it’s true never-the-less.  She will never thank you for it and you may live to regret it, but it is a selfless act of unconditional love.

Example 1
A Hypothetical Choir Party

• Soprano 1: What did you get for your birthday?
  
• Alto 1: Nothing! Can you believe it! He just forgot. And this is the third year in a row! (6 pts.)
  
• Soprano 2: You’re kidding! We’ll at least he didn’t get you a blender. That's what my husband bought me on our last anniversary. (5 pts.)
  
• Alto 2: My husband got me a bowling ball. And I don’t even bowl! (10 pts.)
  
• My Wife: A blender? A bowling ball? Big deal! On my last birthday my husband bought me a CHAINSAW! (23,467 pts.)
  
  (Loud gasps of horror from other wives as my wife walks away in triumph.)

Now - all husbands know that sometime in their lives they are going to do IT. IT is that unspeakable act for which you will never be truly forgiven. IT will always be brought up at opportune moments such as any logical discussion which is going badly for your wife.

Example 2

• Husband: But you see dear, if you charge something on the credit card, we eventually have to pay for it.
  
• Wife: Well, what about the time YOU LET OUR ONLY DAUGHTER JUMP OFF THE HIGH DIVE AND SHE BROKE HER ARM AND SHE WAS IN A CAST FOR SIX MONTHS!
  
• Husband: Well ... um... never mind.

Hint #1: They will also tell all your friends this story so they will know what a cad you are.

By giving your wife a new IT, you present her with ammunition for life. A Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Card. She may never say so, but deep down she will always love and respect you for bestowing this legacy upon her.

Example 3

• Husband: Honey, have you checked the oil in the car for the last six months? I noticed there was a piece of black tape over the oil light that was blinking, and the engine seems to be frozen.
  
• Wife: Well, at least I didn’t BUY YOU A CHAINSAW FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!

ITs, of course, can change but never for the better. IT will always be the worst thing you have ever done. The unpardonable sin, the unforgivable faux pas. My point is this. As long as you’re going to have an IT hanging around your neck anyway - you might as well get a chainsaw out of the deal.

A word of warning. This will only work really well just once so choose your moment carefully. Once I got my wife a computer, but this is something she could at least theoretically use. It just doesn’t have the same effect.

Hint #2: If you already have a chainsaw, pick another really expensive item. Some good choices would be: table saw, drill press, hay-baler, powerboat, or Jeep.

Hint #3: Do not buy her a gun. There are some things which may be a little too tempting.

Good luck and any lawsuits/divorces which may occur due to this advice, I refer to my lawyer who is, at this moment, in the chainsaw department at Lowes.

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Alien Encounters

“I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen.”
John 10:16

OK, I admit it. I’ve been watching RTV (Religious Television) again. This week, in case you missed it, on channel 14, was a man explaining why Jonah wasn’t swallowed by a great fish at all. Apparently he was kept alive inside an alien spaceship which happened, as it were, to be hiding under the water. And it’s really obvious to anyone who reads Jonah directly after reading a Ray Bradbury novel while indulging in mind-altering stimulants, such as licking Colorado river toads dipped in peyote sauce that this man could be right.

You must follow this logic verrrrry carefully. First of all Jonah couldn’t have stayed alive inside a fish for three days - there wasn’t enough air. It’s a pretty good argument, but the lack-of-air argument has been used before and it just doesn’t hold much water. (Har!) But wait. Jonah says in verse 6, “I went down to the bottoms of the mountains...” Now how could Jonah possibly know that he was at the bottoms of the mountains if he was inside a fish? He couldn’t see. That is ...UNLESS THE FISH HAD WINDOWS! So it couldn’t really be a fish at all, but something that Jonah, in his limited experience with extra-terrestrial beings, took to be a fish, but was really a spaceship. Possibly Egyptian. Well, I’m convinced.

And the ICCM (International Congress of Church Musicians - for those of you that tuned in late) is convinced enough to appoint a Task Force on Alien Encounters. This group will meet annually in Cancun, Mexico for two weeks in February (tax-deductible and possibly eligible for "continuing-ed" money) and review the evidence. (There will also be daily seminars on choosing just the right communion beer...er....wine.)

Obviously the Old Testament contains many direct references to aliens. In fact, the word alien(s) occurs no fewer than 107 times in the New International Version alone. One reason that these strange and wondrous beings may be hesitant to come forward is found in Exodus 12:48. “An alien living among you who wants to celebrate the LORD's Passover must have all the males in his household circumcised.”

Levite: Hello, strange ones. Join us in our Passover feast.

Alien: Thank you. Our ship has just landed from the planet Zurbnqp. We are rather hungry after our intergalactic journey. We bring you great knowledge and wisdom from the One God of the Universe.

Levite: There’s just one little formality.

Alien: OK. Anything to make a new friend. HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? AAAAAIIIIEEEEE!

They’ve been hiding ever since.

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New Perspectives on the Old Testament

This week, New Perspectives on the Old Testament will be examining really, really stupid people in the Bible. Unbelievably stupid. And my absolute favorite among the thronging hoards of the O.T. is a woman I like to call "Mandi". She hangs around Second Kings on Friday nights. Chapter 6: 24-23. Here are the facts.

(6:16-24) Elisha is flitting around Samaria doing miracles involving fighting the Syrians. In fact, after he had smoted 'em a few times, all the fight sort of went out of them and so he fed them and sent them home happy. The King of Syria, who wasn't with them at the time, turned them right around and sent them back with orders to lay siege to Samaria, miracles or not. As the siege continued, the King of Israel decided that he'd had about enough of Elisha and wasn't going to listen to anymore of his bright ideas. (Now, there's a surprise!) So guess what happened. There was a great famine in the land.

(6:25) This famine was sooooo bad that the head of a donkey was selling for eighty pieces of silver. (Not bad if you've got some stock in GM donkey parts.) And 1/4 of a piece of dove's dung was selling for five pieces of silver. I am NOT making this up. It's all there - including the prices! Yes. PRICES!

You can just imagine what the menus of the local restaurants looked like.

Dove Dung (small slice) - $10.00
Dove Dung (large slice) - $14.50
Lark Vomit (cup) $5.00 ... (bowl) $9.50
Donkey Parts (seasonal) - $145.00

(6:26) After dining out one evening, presumably on whatever donkey was tethered behind the restaurant, the King of Israel was walking home when he was accosted by a strange woman. This is Mandi. She cries (in the King James Version) "Help, my lord, O king!" (In the New International Version she cries "Help me, my lord, the king!" Either way she gets his attention.) The king makes some smart-alecky remark which kings are wont to do when accosted by wild-eyed women on their after-dinner walks, then asks her "What's the matter?"

Well, here's her story. She and her best friend (we'll call her "Lilith") are getting pretty hungry, what with bird droppings going for about $67 a pound. So Lilith says to Mandi, "Hey, I've got an idea! Let's boil up your son (we'll call him "Brunch") and eat him today. Then we can boil up my son tomorrow and have him for leftovers!"

Mandi thinks this is a splendid idea. She goes and gets her son and they boil him up, stuff him with some dove dung and have a big luau, probably inviting the whole neighborhood. Now here's the surprising part. When it came Lilith's turn, it turns out she wasn't that hungry after all and she hid her son somewhere where Mandi couldn't find him. Boy, was Mandi hacked! You can just imagine.

The king, having no other recourse, immediately called for Elisha's head. Like it's somehow Elisha's fault that this woman hasn't got the brains God gave an eggplant. Elisha shrugs, girds up his loins, and decides to end the famine.

This and many other interesting stories can be found in...you guessed it...THE BIBLE! So pick one up and give it a read. You won't be sorry!

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A Serious Problem

It has come to the attention of the clergy that many of our choir members have a serious problem. This is something which we have long denied to ourselves and others but is an addiction which is so insidious that it is simply not talked about in polite society. And we here at the ICCM (International Congress of Church Musicians) feel it is time this problem must be discussed openly and without shame. Yes - I’m talking about Chant Addiction. The music of the Middle Ages which has certain mystical properties; properties which, if used unwisely, can lead the serious listener down the path of religious degradation.

Now, I’m not talking to the occasional listener. The responsible listener who knows when he has had enough - who never goes “one chant over the line”. It’s the other listener - the hard-core chant addict, which we here at the ICCM Detox Center are trying to reach.

You’re saying to yourself, “He can’t be talking to me. Sure, I listen. Who doesn’t? But I can just as easily listen to some music from the Romantic period - Brahms...yea...I can listen to Brahms. Or Mendelssohn. I just don’t want to...”

No you can’t. And you know you can’t. And you know that we know that you know that you can’t. And we’re here to help.

If you feel you may be one of these unlucky listeners with a low threshold of spiritual influence, there are some signs which you can not fail to ignore. If you remotely suspect you are one of the many caught up in this nightmare existence, ask yourself the following questions.

• Is there a medieval icon hanging from your rear-view mirror?
• Do you find yourself turning down the sound during the Super Bowl and instead watch the game while listening to a recording of the Monks of Solesmes singing Oratio Jeremiae Prophetæ?
• Do you tear open your Musical Heritage Society monthly catalogs looking for a new recording of the works of Hildegard von Bingen which you might have somehow missed?
• Do you wander around your house or apartment in your monk outfit carelessly flagellating yourself about the shoulders with a toilet plunger while muttering the incipit to Æterne Rerum Conditor?
• Do you find yourself telling your spouse or parent or significant other, “I can quit anytime I want to. And anyway, it’s not like I’m doing drugs or anything”?
• Do you drive around the monasteries, windows down, with The Play of Herod by the New York Pro-Musica in the CD Player (turned up all the way) in an effort to attract the attention of certain monk-groupies?
  
  If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, we urge you to get immediate counseling. The ICCM now offers a ten-step program for self-help, a new chapter of Chant-Anonymous, and, in some severe cases, a ten day program at our De-Tox Center which includes listening to sixteen straight hours of I Come To The Garden Alone.
  
  We’re just here to help.

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Name the Baby

It has now become common knowledge that two members of the choir are due to become parents in December. We, of course, offer our congratulations, but there is a more important issue.

Often, when I am asked about the mission and purpose of the I.C.C.M. (International Congress of Church Musicians), the inquiries are cloaked in the guise of a seemingly incongruous questions. For example, some inquiries might be very direct. “Excuse me, but what is the mission and purpose of the ICCM?” Whereas someone else might say “It’s three o’clock in the morning! Why don’t you idiots shut up and get that %#@*& goat off my lawn?” One has to understand that both questions, although asked in very different circumstances, essentially contain the same vague uneasiness with which one approaches sixteen men in raccoon hats, a goat, a sack full of bungee cords, and a five gallon container of spaghetti sauce. (See Choir Handbook, page 465, p.34, sub-section 75 - Initiation Rites.)

The ICCM has many agendas, some involving secret handshakes and some actually having to do with church music. The ICCM Handbook covers most of these and although it is a rather lengthy tome, we feel that it is now time to reprint that well-worn chapter “Give Your Baby A Really Cool Bible Name.” (Page 642, ICCM Choir Handbook © 2002.)

Bible names have always been the really “hip” way to name your baby. It is time for the ICCM, however, to step forward and proclaim that the world now has enough Joshuas, Jacobs, Jordans, Matthews, Johns, James, Marys, Rachels, and Elizabeths. It is time we looked deeper into the Bible and truly discover what riches it holds for us in the way of Baby Names. And so, in response to the outcry heard across the nation, the ICCM has put together a Top-Ten list of Bible names with which any proud parent should be glad to saddle their small child. Warning: These are Actual Biblical Names! Do not try to make these up!

Boys Names

1. Ham
2. Mash
3. Nimrod
4. Ahab
5. Festus
6. Zadok
7. Linus
8. Doeg the Edomite
9. Uzzi
10. Shemp

Girls Names

1. Eunice
2. Camel
3. Beersheba
4. Porcius
5. Dorcas
6. Zippo (short for Zipporah)
7. Hagar
8. Gomer
9. Dalmatia
10. Queen-Vashti

This is just a sampling of the many, many interesting Biblical names available for a nominal licensing fee. For a complete listing of the ICCM Biblical Names Data Bank as well as a licensing fee form, send $19.95 (check or money order) to
ICCM— P.O. Box 249
Tryon, NC 28782

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Tired of feeling left out of Bible Studies?

Those who have not yet mastered theological conversation will find this guide invaluable. Simply think of any 4-digit number (say, 6518) and read off the similarly numbered phrases from columns A, B, C, and D. Never mind what it means; just use it and watch the way you bring conversation to a halt!

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Boxers vs. Briefs
A Theological Perspective

When attempting to understand the boxers vs. briefs agenda, we must first ask ourselves — “What would the disciples have worn under their robes, boxers or briefs”?

It seems to me, that this question is, in fact, the basic conflict of Grace versus the Law, Old Testament versus New Testament, Rigid Confinement versus Rebirth, the Pharisees versus the Disciples (one fall - 10 minute time limit). However this is only my opinion. It is time that we turn to the scriptures for guidance in these matters.

When looking for a biblical agenda, we need go no further than Genesis 24. Abraham is speaking to his servant.

He said to the chief servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my loins. I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living.

He continues in verse 29.

So the servant put his hand under the loins of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter.

Now it’s fairly obvious that when you made a promise in the Old Testament, it was serious business. According to my good friend Dr. Ken Dougherty, choir urologist, putting your hand under someone’s loins and swearing is not a matter to be taken lightly. Sure, he does it all the time, but he is a highly trained professional. Suffice it to say that the level of intimacy which this oath entails would not be possible if the oathee was wearing briefs. Therefore Abraham was obviously a boxer man.

And consider the passage found in Job. Brief is the mirth of the wicked. The joy of the godless lasts but a moment. Can this scripture be taken blatantly out of context to make our point? Of course it can! As can many others!

I think Isaiah says it best.
33:23 Your rigging hangs loose: The mast is not held secure, the sail is not spread.
Isaiah is a stern man and apparently pretty derisive. He is not happy with this move toward boxers. Consider his famous passage. Surely he has worn our briefs and carried our sorrow. Definitely briefs.

Here are the final findings of the ICCM Committee on Biblical Underwear (COBU).

Adam - leaf briefs (post fall)
Abraham - boxers
Noah - boxers
Job - boxers
King Solomon - boxers (silk)
Isaiah - briefs
Elijah - boxers (hair)
John the Baptist - speedos
Pharisees - briefs
Sadducees - briefs
Judas - briefs (extra-tight)
Paul - briefs (pre-conversion)
Paul - boxers (post conversion)
Disciples - boxers

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Reformation Day

I think that it is time that we approach with reverent awe that celebration which makes us truly protestant. I’m speaking of Reformation Day - the day on which, in 1517, Martin Luther set us free from the control of the Roman Church by nailing his 95 theses to the door of the church at Wittenberg proclaiming his dissatisfaction with certain papal decrees. It is fitting and proper (and with the complete sanction of the ICCM) that we should celebrate the foremost contribution by Matin Luther to the Protestant cause. No, not throwing the yoke of Catholic oppression from off our shoulders, but something far, far more important.

As we head full-steam into the holiday season, we need only to turn to our history books to find that Martin Luther offers us a sure-fire way to lose 15 pounds before Thanksgiving. Yes, I’m talking about the DIET OF WORMS.
By now you are saying to yourselves, “Well, I’ve heard of the Diet of Worms, of course. Every scholar of comparative religion has - but does it really work?” I can assure you it does. I saw actual testimonials on Oprah. By all accounts, Martin lost about 15 lbs. from November 1 to November 8, 1521 and the ICCM has just obtained from an unnamed monk in upstate New York, the actual manuscript of this famous diet. So now, after 486 years, we present to you - straight from the Reformation -

Martin Luther's - DIET of WORMS

So there you have it. A sure fire way to lose 15 lbs. before Thanksgiving. If you care to read more about the Diet of Worms check out a book in your local library. (I’m sure they have all the nutritional information available).

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Ask Mr. Disciple Bible Study Man

Q. Now that our Bible Study has started, I’m interested to know what you make of the story in First Samuel: Chapters 4-6 about when the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites. We seem to have skipped that part.

A. It is one of the most profoundly disturbing stories in the Old Testament. As you all know, God was so mad at the Philistines that he smote the entire city of Ashdod with a severe case of hemorrhoids (henceforth known as “hermans1” to comply with the ICCM code of biblical decency).

The Ashdodites kept the ark for about seven months, by which time, as you can imagine, they would just about do anything to relieve the affliction which had been placed upon them. I mean, frogs and locust are one thing, but this was going just a little too far. Finally they went to their priests and asked what they could do. The priests decided that it would be a good idea to make five golden statues of their misfortune (along with five gold mice which had also infected the city) and send them on a cart, along with the ark, back to the Israelites.

Head Priest (to Gath the Goldsmith): We’d like you to make five golden hermans as a trespass offering to the God of Israel.
Gath: Five golden what?!
Head Priest: You heard me.
Gath: Gashemesh uhr shokoch utter hopni.2
Head Priest: (sarcastically) Haha. Very funny.

Well they put them on the cart and sent them on toward Israel. Unfortunately, along the way, the Bethshemites, who were working in the field, happened to look up at the ark going past and were also smited. 50,070 men to be exact. Oooops. Anyway, the Israelites got the ark back. It doesn’t say what was done with the five golden mice and uh ... other artifacts.

1st Levite: Hey, what are these gold things?
2nd Levite: These mice aren’t too bad, but kadesh inmit reshemti dedakestch.3
1st Levite: Hahaha. Very funny!

Perhaps they were put into the Museum of Things Not To Do to Make God Mad. The ark, of course, was promptly stolen again. This time it was missing for twenty years. Ouch.

1 Not their real name.
2 Old Ashdod joke: “Would you like to sit down while you wait?”
3 Old Levite joke: “these other things look like my grandfather’s hermans.”

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CHOIR PERSONALS

Good looking, mature, widowed soprano with own home looking to meet tenor or baritone. Hair optional. Teeth optional. I have extra sets of both. No basses please. S-223

FOR SALE: Antique Uvular Restraining Harness. Teach your tenors to sing an “even-higher” high B utilizing this 19th century singing master’s invention. Can also be used to punish talkative altos. B-154

Metrosexual with passion for interior decorating and Beethoven looking to meet life partner with a rank of bishop or better. New Hampshire OK. T-334

LUSCIOUS, full-figured, Mezzo-Soprano looking to meet tenor who knows the score for an adagio to allegretto relationship full of meaningful crescendos, chain suspensions, and fermatas. Must be at least 5 foot 4. A-56

FOR SALE: Complete Edible Last Supper. All twelve disciples (made of pasta) included. “Very Good” condition — one of Andrew’s arms is broken off but can be easily repaired with a piece of macaroni and some squeeze-cheese. Perfect for that Good Friday meal. A-987

Choir Robe Models Needed
If you’d like to make some real $$$$ in the lucrative world of Liturgical Modeling, CALL TODAY! If you’re accepted into our program, the initial cost is only $379 for a photo-shoot and portfolio. We will help you market your god-given looks! MAKE MORE $$$ THAN YOU’VE EVER DREAMED!
1-800-JEZEBEL

MWA seeks same for gossip and occasional lunch dates. Serious inquiries only. B-23

SWT (Baptist) is looking for the Alto-Of-My-Dreams. If you are into long walks in the park, Contemporary Christian music and puppies, I could be the one you’re looking for. Non-smokers. T-5766

KING DAVID seeks his Bathsheba for psalms, figs and a little bathing. If you like sunsets, the Proverbs and the Song of Solomon, give me a call. T-8875

AMISH CHOIR DIRECTOR SEEKS SPOUSE. If thee likes rustic living, drawing water from a well and shapeless, black dresses, thou art for me. B-2

SNAKES, SNAKES, SNAKES: Tired of that boring worship service? Give your “Children’s Moment” an extra boost by introducing them to Mark 16:18 “...They will pick up snakes with their hands...” These 12" squirmers look like rattlesnakes, but are actually Hognose Vipers with false rattles applied with surgical glue . Completely harmless! Only YOU will know the difference!

One Dozen Snakes only $39.95.
Guaranteed LIVE and WIGGLY!
Snakes-R-Us
A.R.T.S. (Alternative Religious Theater Supply, Inc.)
Box 1287 Knoxville, TN
1-800-SERPENT
Visa and MasterCard accepted

MWM-NS (non-singer) seeks someone to clean house while wife is at choir practice. Serious inquiries only. B-365

ATTENTION CHOIR GROUPIES: Please do not mob the choir loft after Sunday Services. Wait until the crowds have cleared.

EARN $$$$ AT HOME IN YOUR SPARE TIME selling subscriptions to "The InChoirer". Send $5 and a self addressed envelope to The InChoirer, P.O. Box 1009, Hopkinsville, KY 42241

EVE LOOKING FOR HER ADAM to share garden of delights. Tenor preferred. High Baritone OK. No snakes in the grass please. S-4887

FOR SALE: St. Lucy’s eyebrows. Kept for hundreds of years in a silver case. This is the REAL THING. Just the right gift for that relic hunter on your shopping list. Only three left! HURRY! A-1936

We don't get out much! SWM-NS Two brothers trapped in a garden of delights looking for a couple of SWFs. If we don't meet someone soon, we're liable to kill each other! B-223

Beepers for sale. Don't care for the choir anthem? Do what I do! Have yourself paged at any time during the first 10 minutes of the service. First come, first serve. B-256

To Whom It May Concern: Whoever met me in the bathroom when the lights went out at the Choir Retreat, please call. I think I love you. A-6675

Prophet In His Own Country looking for respect. Good looking tenor with lovely high B and wonderful hair looking for soprano with same. To share duets, canzonas and a light mousse. Serious inquiries only. T-0975

SWM-B-NS-M(ethodist) is seeking SWF for "Creative" experience. If you like exploding universes, long walks on the beach and starlight. give me a call. No sopranos. B-223

FOR SALE - Genesis Halloween Costume. Mostly fig leaves - some poison ivy. Used ONLY ONCE! Make an offer. B-5563

WANTED - "The Seasons" Groupie. SWM, attractive but full-figured. I'm singing in "The Seasons". If you love Franz Joseph and rainbows, call me. B-8879

FOR SALE: Leisure Suits : 42R White, Sky-Blue, Lime-Green, Canary-Yellow. Also Gold Chains, White Shoes and belt. T-778. Ask for Cleamon Downs.

DANSNAG looking desperately for tall, good looking bass with penchant for pick-up trucks and Bach. Serious inquiries only. No Rutter. Send picture of truck. A-754

SOLOMON LOOKING FOR HIS QUEEN OF SHEEBA. The “Song Of Songs” is my favorite book. If your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks for wine and your belly is like a heap of wheat surrounded by lillies, I’m the man for you. B-2282

CHANT-LINE: 1-800-Gregory (24 hrs. a day)

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for my husband’s debts. Donis Schweizer

B.R.A. (Back Row Altos) Now accepting applications for new members. You needn’t sit on the back row to be part of this militant feminist organization.

FOR SALE: The Olyhay Iblebay — Rare 18th Century Pig Latin Bible Edition. $35. S-89

SMT-NS seeks 30ish A or 2nd S. I dig C.S. Lewis, Small Group Bible Study and Amy Grant (non-secular). If your spiritual gift is from Ist Corinthians 12 or 14, give me a call. Serious inquiries only. No contraltos please. T-67

RELIC FOR SALE: The actual anklebone of St. Vitas. Left or Right, your choice. Perfect for any home or church display. B-445

FOR SALE: Rapper Bible. $20 OBO. B-9591

Professional Bass with an MD and a passion for Wagner and helmets seeks soprano with own outfit. Fully licensed and bonded. Diploma inspection available upon requests. B-2337

E-Z Sight Reading Technique: I’ll show you how. No more Wed. Night Choir Rehearsals! Stay home and enjoy yourself. Choir director approved! Only $79.95 for the complete home study course. B-1291

Good looking Tenor with pretty good high notes and great hair is seeking Soprano with same for a Brahmsian/Chopinesque relationship. Serious inquiries only. T-3552

If Ground Hog Day means as much to you as it does to me, give me a call. I’m looking for a S/D/W/WF (s or a) who likes to spend Ground Hog Eve huddling around a freshly dug burrow waiting for our furry friends to appear. Coveralls a must. T-8667

License To Use the nickname “Becky” in any choir situation. Tired of being called by your real name? Purchase this one time license, and you can be known as “Becky“ to any of your choir friends. Join the hundreds who have taken advantage of this unique nickname offer. Only $74.95. Free notarized certificate and name tag enclosed. T-2693

St. Lucy Medallion for sale. Brings good fortune to altos and other low voices. 14 ct. gold filled. Inscription on back "St. Lucy Look Down On Us." Only $24.95 (cash only). Leave in an envelope in the trash can at the corner of Main and 9th streets. B-575

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CHOIR DEFINITIONS

Now that we have several new members in the choir, I am often asked, “Hey, Mr. Director. Just what the heck are you talking about?” Admittedly, this query comes mostly from the bass section, however it must be pointed out that being in the choir is a highly technical and demanding profession. The terms that we use in music are not readily found in normal, everyday life. For example:

The lilting counter-melody sung over the hymn by the higher voices is called::
A) descant
B) death chant
C) LILTING? Hahahahahaha!

If you answered “C” you have the makings of a fine choir member for you are unusually perceptive.

Here are are several other definitions which you may find make your choir experience easier to understand.

Pizzacato - literally “Cat Pizza” Anchovies optional.
Ritard - well ... the bass section, mostly.
Mode - a key, reflecting a particular emotion. As in “I can’t sing that. I’m not in the mode.”
Parallel Organum - A method of musical gratification frowned on by early church fathers.
Obligato - a high pitched turkey call. Usually heard in the wild as “obblegobble”.
Faggott - a bassoon. Yes, a bassoon.
Camerata - a small camera.
Cantata - a small can.
Sonata - a small son.
Prelude - a small Japanese car.
Glockenspiel - a dark German beer. As in “Hey, Jim-Bob, throw me another Glockenspiel!”
Homophony - an irrational fear of bassoons.
Lecher Lines - “Hey baby, what’s your sign? Come to choir practice often?”
Libretto - a soprano born in September. Usually highly compatible with a Saggitario. (See Letcher Lines)
Minuette - roughly 52 seconds.
Rubato - a reddish-brown vegetable found on cat-pizzas.
Tonic - What is generally enjoyed over ice after choir rehearsal.
Dominant - In a choral relationship, usually the alto.
Euphonium - A choir invitation. If they won’t answer your letters, euphonium.
Augmentation - Special surgery for sopranos involving the implantation of falsettos.
Basso Obstinato - recurring wrong notes in the bass section.
Incomplete Cadence - harmonius interruptus.
Metronome - small elves which live in the London subway system.
Basso Continuo - When the director can’t get them to stop.
Score - Sopranos 3, Tenors 0.
Riff - What happens when someone takes your choir robe.
Contralto - An alto who has been convicted.
Polychoral Motet - Six parrots singing "Cantate Domino."
Aleatoric (Chance) Music - Music performed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms.
Frequently found in the choir anthem.
Castrato - The highest male voice (some alteration required.)
Étude - What comes right before the Beatitudes.
Concerto Grosso - A "Polka" Mass.
Glissando - What directly precedes the highest note of a descant.
Leitmotif - Like a regular motif, but less filling.
Polonaise - A condiment frequently put on a parrot sandwich.
Recapitulation - What usually happens after you eat a parrot sandwich.
Rondo - A popular sixties song as in "Help, help me, Rondo."
Theme - "We hate this anthem."
Theme and Variations - "We hate this anthem, the composer and all of the composer’s relatives."
Sectional Harassment Lawsuit - What happens when the director suggests that the altos
"Sing from their diaphragms."

So, as you can clearly tell, music is a very difficult and complex subject which requires years and years of careful study.
Learn these definitions. They’ll be on the test.