Mark Schweizer's

Liturgical Mysteries

They're not what you expect.They're funnier.

Award-winning mysteries that will have you rolling
in the (church) aisles.

You're still reading this? Go check out the books!

li·tur·gi·cal mys·te·ry lə-'tər-ji-kəl mist(ə)rē, n.
  1. A religious truth that is incomprehensible to reason and knowable only through divine revelation.
  2. Any one of a series of absurd novels featuring choir director/detective Hayden Konig.

Why do people keep dying in the little town of St. Germaine, North Carolina?

It's hard to say. Maybe there's something in the water. Whatever the reason, it certainly has nothing to do with St. Barnabas Episcopal Church!

[These] liturgical detective mysteries have taken me to that place where I can't breath, my words make no sense, and tears roll down my cheeks because I'm laughing so hard.

The Writer's Jumble

It's been a long time since we've had so much fun reading a mystery.

Denver Post

It's like Mitford meets Jurrasic Park, only without the wisteria and the dinosaurs.

The InChoirer

Procure this bit of fun as quickly as possible. Better yet, order all seven of these liturgical mysteries. You will be better for it, if laughter truly is the “best medicine.”

The Diapason

The icing on the cake is the humor. Included almost as asides or fillers, the hilarious happenings around St. Germaine are told with such a droll delivery, they kept me howling with unrestrained glee. Do not try to drink or eat while reading this book.

Gumshoe Review

12

TheCantor Wore
Crinolines

Book Cover of The Cantor Wore Crinolines

$12.95$10.00

The Newest St. Germaine Mystery

Hayden Konig has always been lucky. As a detective, he’s top-notch. As the organist at St. Barnabas Church, he’s been tickling the ivories for close to twenty years. He’s rich, his wife is the best looking woman in three counties, he lives in a big cabin in the woods — he has a dog, a gun, a CD collection, and a truck.

Yet he is not content. He has one dream left to realize. He longs to be a noir detective writer like his hero, Raymond Chandler. In a desperate attempt to channel some of the master’s wordplay, Hayden has purchased Mr. Chandler’s old typewriter — a 1939 Underwood No. 5. It doesn’t help.

The woman swept in like a mezzo aria: her middle-aged melody anticipated by the accompanying strains of a lush, overripe, dewberry-scented décolletage. She surveyed the office, gave Pedro the once-over, then dropped her gaze on me like a feed sack full of alto-meal. Her lips were fleshy and wanting in that kind of way that lips get after eating Hunan spicy beef with Szechuan peppers, extra hot, with enough monosodium glutamate to exacerbate water retention and cause lips to be plump as a couple of meal worms. I thought about lunch.

Even as Hayden works on his new opus, he must deal with other, more pressing problems. Groundhog Day isn't usually a liturgical holiday, but when the new Anglo-Catholic priest decides that a Candlemas Evensong on February 2nd is in order, what can the choir do but comply? As "St. Groundelmas" approaches, three dead bodies turn up, and the clues point to a trashy murder mystery being read by the Blue Hill Bookworms. Will the St. Germaine PD get everything wrapped up before the groundhog sees his shadow?

"Hey,” says Hayden, "how hard can it be?"

01

TheAlto Wore
Tweed

Book Cover of Alto Wore Tweed
The adventure begins! Between the new priest, church politics, and the annual holiday feud between the Rotarians and the Kiwanians, you'd think that Hayden had enough to worry about. Still, nothing says "Christmas" like a dead body in the choir loft. It's a good thing that Hayden keeps a loaded Glock under the organ bench.

$12.95 $10.00

02

TheBaritone Wore
Chiffon

Book Cover of The Baritone Wore Chiffon
As the season of Lent begins, there’s an interim priest at St. Barnabas – a priest with a wife, and she has an agenda. If the “Edible Last Supper” (featuring the Mary Magdalene Coffee Bar), wasn’t enough, Hayden also has to deal with a Clown Eucharist, snakes loose in the church, the Feng Shui Altar Guild, and a dwarf verger named Wenceslas.

$12.95 $10.00

03

TheTenor Wore
Tapshoes

Book Cover of The Tenor Wore Tapshoes
Until a body is found inside the altar of St. Barnabas, the biggest crime that Hayden has had to deal with lately is the theft of a cinnamon bun that looks like the Virgin Mary. But, as All Saints Day approaches, the bodies pile up and it's time to get serious.

$12.95 $10.00

04

TheSoprano Wore
Falsettos

Book Cover of The Soprano Wore Falsettos
Easter is right around the corner and nothing says "He is risen!" like a Pirate Eucharist. Suddenly, a shot rang out, a woman screamed, and Detective Konig has another dead body in the choir loft. It's business as usual in St. Germaine.

$12.95 $10.00

05

TheBass Wore
Scales

Book Cover of The Bass Wore Scales
Where does a 500 lb. "born-again" gorilla sleep? Anywhere he wants! Summers in North Carolina are usually peaceful, but when Kokomo, the world-famous "signing" gorilla, comes to town, a dead body turns up and all the evidence points to the great ape. Can Hayden solve the mystery in time to save Kokomo?

$12.95 $10.00

06

TheMezzo Wore
Mink

Book Cover pf The Mezzo Wore Mink
Autumn in St. Germaine, North Carolina, is an enchanting time of year. But throw in two murders, an election, a Christian nudist camp, and St. Barnabas' answer to the local Baptist church's annual Singing Christmas Tree — the first-ever performance of The Living Gobbler — and things are bound to become complicated.

$12.95 $10.00

07

The Diva Wore
Diamonds

Book Cover of The Diva Wore Diamonds
St. Barnabas Day is reason for celebration! The church is playing host to parishioners and dignitaries alike, but when a time-capsule from 1900 is opened during the festivities, the discovery throws the whole town into a tither.

$12.95 $10.00

08

The Organist Wore
Pumps

Book Cover of The Organist Wore Pumps
What do the bones of an ancient king, a scoodle of skunks, the best Christmas parade ever, and an obnoxious deacon have to do with the dead body floating in the lake? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. It's up to Hayden to pull all the clues together like two cousins in a Kentucky hayloft. After all, Epiphany is right around the corner!

$12.95 $10.00

09

TheCountertenor Wore
Garlic

Book Cover of The Counter Tenor Wore Garlic
Vicar Fearghus McTavish is a Calvinist Anglican priest with strict Scottish Presbyterian leanings—not exactly the perfect interim priest for St. Barnabas. So when the church participates in the town Halloween carnival, it's only a matter of time before something goes terribly wrong. Suddenly there's a dead body, and Hayden Konig has his hands full.

$12.95 $10.00

10

The Christmas Cantata

Book Cover of The Christmas Cantata
Hayden Konig, and all the usual suspects, return in this heartwarming Christmas tale. When a long-lost cantata is found in the basement of the courthouse, a Christmas Eve performance is the order of the day. What happens next is anyone's guess. Not a murder mystery, but one of the sweetest stories you're likely to read.

$12.95 $10.00

11

The Treble Wore
Trouble

Book Cover of The Treble Wore Trouble
It's Ash Wednesday, and with the season of Lent just around the corner, it seems the perfect time for the new priest to put her own stamp on the worship style of St. Barnabas. With a dead body and a kidnapping to sort out, Hayden doesn't have much time to worry about the Reverend Rosemary Pepperpot-Cohosh. Maybe he should.

$12.95 $10.00

12

TheCantor Wore
Crinolines

Book Cover of The Cantor Wore Crinolines
Groundhog Day isn't usually a liturgical holiday, but when the new priest decides that a Candlemas Evensong on February 2nd is in order, what can the choir do but comply? As "St. Groundelmas" approaches, three dead bodies turn up, and the clues point to a trashy murder mystery being read by the Blue Hill Bookworms.

$12.95 $10.00

But wait!There's more!

Dear
Priscilla

Book Cover of Dear Priscilla
In a mad departure from his Hayden Konig series, Mark has penned a comic noir thriller set in 1940s Chicago. Read more here...

$23.95 $11.95

The Complete Set

Complete SJMP Books
All twelve Liturgical Mysteries at a great price! Treat yourself (or someone you like reasonably well...)

$155.40 $105.00

The Boxed
Set

SJMP Books Box Set
The first five Liturgical Mysteries and the Christmas Cantata in an autographed boxed set. And, at a great price!

$77.70 $55.00

Kindle and Nook

Are youLooking to save paper?

Most of the St. Germaine Liturgical Mysteries are available for your Kindle or Nook.

About the Author

Black and white headshot of Mark Schweizer

In 1974, Mark Schweizer, a brand-new high-school graduate decided to eschew the family architectural business and become an opera singer. Against all prevailing wisdom and despite jokes from his peers such as "What does the music major say after his first job interview?" (answer: You want fries with that?), he enrolled in the Music School at Stetson University. To his father, the rationale was obvious. No math requirement.

Everything happens for a reason, however, and he now lives and works as a musician, composer, author and publisher in Tryon, North Carolina with his lovely wife, Donis. If anyone finds out what he's up to, he'll have to go back to work at Mr. Steak. He actually has a bunch of degrees, including a Doctor of Musical Arts from the University of Arizona. I know! What were they thinking?

In the field of bad writing, Mark had the distinction of receiving a Dishonorable Mention in the 2006 BULWER-LYTTON FICTION CONTEST, an annual contest in which the entrants compete for the dubious honor of having composed the worst opening sentence to an imaginary novel. In 2007, his sentence now found on page 17 of The Mezzo Wore Mink was runner-up in the Detective Category. This, and two other of his entries, were featured in It Was A Dark and Stormy Night: A Collection of the Worst Fiction Ever Written, edited by Scott Rice and published by The Friday Project.

In varying stages of his career, Mark has waited tables, written articles for Collgehumor.com, won opera competitions, sung oratorios, taught in college music departments, raised pot-bellied pigs and hedgehogs, directed church choirs, sung the bass solo to Beethoven's 9th with the Atlanta Symphony, hosted a classical music radio show, taught in a seminary, sung recitals, started a regional opera company, published choral music, built a log cabin, written opera librettos, directed stage productions, helped his wife to raise their two children and managed to remain married for thirty-five years. He also owns several chainsaws.

Well, Donis says, it's never boring.

In the fall of 2001, I began what I hoped would be a funny little book about an Episcopal choir director/ detective that had a flair for bad writing. Now, twelve years later, that book, The Alto Wore Tweed, is still getting laughs and the rest of the books (bad writing aside) are winning awards and working hard to catch up. Thanks to you, the Hayden Konig adventures continue to make their way into the hands of mystery lovers and across church choirs, one reader and singer at a time.

If you've enjoyed the mysteries in this series--please drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you. Or better yet, sign up for the SJMP mailing list.

The Hayden Konig Blog

Liturgical Mystery Music and Score Downloads

Perform these at your own risk!

Download the Missa di Poli Woli Doodle (Kyrie)
Listen to the Missa di Poli Woli Doodle (Kyrie)

Download The Pirate Eucharist (Liturgy, Music, and Translator)
Listen to The Pirate Gloria.

Download Elisha and the Two Bears
(The unknown Henry Purcell masterpiece)
Listen to Elisha and the Two Bears

Download The Weasel Cantata
Listen to The Weasel Cantata

Download The Mouldy Cheese Madrigal
Listen to The Mouldy Cheese Madrigal

Listen to The Banjo Kyrie